And shes falling to pieces.

I hate my life. I hate this life. I am in so much pain and I don't know why. I can't take it anymore. My life is loveless. And a life without love is not worth living. Im alone.

Paris

Tonight

There was a suicidal girl at the bar. I hugged her and tried to be there for her. I have to keep doing this. I re-found my purpose in this biz again. To bring light and beauty into peoples lives.

I need to stop being so self centered and superficial.

People have it way worse than me, and maybe I need to give more love out in my life, to receive more.

I just want someone to love me. Is that too much to fucking ask?

What's the point?

This is one of the few times in my life that I am hopeless for the future. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know what's real. I can't see things as they are and I feel blind. This life is hard for me. It's been hard for a really long time, the only difference was that I always had hope that things would get better, that I would escape and life would pan out. But instead, it's only gotten worse. I don't know why, but I feel worthless. I hate myself. I have people calling me beautiful every night, and I don't believe it. I am so fucked up. So. fucked. up. I wanna die. I disgust myself. I want to escape. Fly far away where no body knows me, and just start over. I can't live like this anymore. I'm so sad. So hurting. But most of all, so alone. I just want to stop feeling so empty inside. I don't want to need pills to function. I don't want to be dependant on weed to get through my days and nights. I feel like I'm punishing myself on purpose. You wanted this so bad, now do it. 

I often wonder why or how I've become so unloveable or if I've always been this way. I fucking suck and I'm at an all time low. I'm empty inside. I'm a piece of meat. I shake my ass on stage for money. Did I think it would be a life of glamour? I don't know. People come to see my body, and you would think that I would understand, since I used to do it myself. When I went to the club, I went to see beautiful women and their bodies. I came to be entertained but I don't know what I was thinking and I feel like I'm on this endless journey that will leave me constantly looking for something that I can never find. 

I'm falling apart. I can't keep it together anymore. I don't want to work, all I want to do is stay in bed all day. It's a struggle to live at this point and I don't know how much longer I can do this. I used to want people to see my body because it was beautiful, and I wanted it to be appreciated. But now I see it slowing deteriorating. 

I need to keep going. If I just keep going, it has to end at some point. 

The worst part of it is, is that I have to smile and pretend to be happy. It's all fake because I'm fucking broken inside. 

I have no one that loves me. Family doesn't count. Be with me, be my crutch through life, give me a purpose. 

I'll go through the motions. I'm just so tired of being alone, but yet it's the only way I know how to be. 

It's hurts. The pain is real. What is the fucking point of all of this? I can't take it. I can't keep searching. 

Normal people have families. Normal people have loved ones. That's what makes it all worth it. But me, I have no one and nobody. I feel rejected, orphaned, hopeless, struggling, stupid, lonely. 

I think I love him.

Why do I fall so easily for guys. Especially guys like him. Could I give you everything you ever wanted?

Ugly

Why am I in this miserable world. Maybe it's just miserable for me. People tell me I'm beautiful and I don't believe them. "You don't know how beautiful you are" they say. No. You're right, I fucking don't, because I feel ugly, and I feel like you are all laughing at me thinking "wow, she sucks and why is she doing this?".

Why am I doing this? Because I don't have the will or motivation to do anything else. Because I don't care enough. Because I just don't care. Maybe I have a weak spirit. I don't know. I don't care enough to keep anyone valuable to me in my life because I'm emotionally numb and devoid or real emotions. It's like my body can't produce them anymore. I feel so socially retarded.

*The night is my world. Such a bright painted girl. In the day nothing matters, its the night time that flatters.* I live among the creatures of the night, I havent got the will to try and fight.

I don't want to dance for you. Spinning around the pole. I want to hide. You don't exist.

Just checking in

I feel like a burden to you. You only call to make sure I'm alive. I'm fine, because I have to be, no thanks to you. I didn't get your stupid package. Im sorry, I was busy selling my body for money. I know you've been keeping tabs on me, and normally, I would care about calling you back. But not now.

I used to be so at peace, but now I always feel tired or sick. Everywhere I turn there is someone waiting to attack me. I just don't get the point of all of this.

Maybe I just need to relax and let go.

I believe that everything will be fine. Just let go.

You are so oblivious to my life. You don't deserve to be any part of it. I'm not going to call you back. You forced me into this life through your neglect and selfishness. A part of me hates you so much but another part wishes that we were just a normal family.

This life is a constant struggle for me and sometimes I just wish it would stop. I try to numb the pain but it keeps getting harder and harder the more I try. Im even failing at that.

I cant lie no more, I cant hide no more, gotta be true to myself.

Come home for Christmas? No fucking way. Fuck you.