Friday, 9 November 2012

And shes falling to pieces.

I hate my life. I hate this life. I am in so much pain and I don't know why. I can't take it anymore. My life is loveless. And a life without love is not worth living. Im alone.

Friday, 2 November 2012



There was a suicidal girl at the bar. I hugged her and tried to be there for her. I have to keep doing this. I re-found my purpose in this biz again. To bring light and beauty into peoples lives.

I need to stop being so self centered and superficial.

People have it way worse than me, and maybe I need to give more love out in my life, to receive more.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

I just want someone to love me. Is that too much to fucking ask?

What's the point?

This is one of the few times in my life that I am hopeless for the future. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know what's real. I can't see things as they are and I feel blind. This life is hard for me. It's been hard for a really long time, the only difference was that I always had hope that things would get better, that I would escape and life would pan out. But instead, it's only gotten worse. I don't know why, but I feel worthless. I hate myself. I have people calling me beautiful every night, and I don't believe it. I am so fucked up. So. fucked. up. I wanna die. I disgust myself. I want to escape. Fly far away where no body knows me, and just start over. I can't live like this anymore. I'm so sad. So hurting. But most of all, so alone. I just want to stop feeling so empty inside. I don't want to need pills to function. I don't want to be dependant on weed to get through my days and nights. I feel like I'm punishing myself on purpose. You wanted this so bad, now do it. 

I often wonder why or how I've become so unloveable or if I've always been this way. I fucking suck and I'm at an all time low. I'm empty inside. I'm a piece of meat. I shake my ass on stage for money. Did I think it would be a life of glamour? I don't know. People come to see my body, and you would think that I would understand, since I used to do it myself. When I went to the club, I went to see beautiful women and their bodies. I came to be entertained but I don't know what I was thinking and I feel like I'm on this endless journey that will leave me constantly looking for something that I can never find. 

I'm falling apart. I can't keep it together anymore. I don't want to work, all I want to do is stay in bed all day. It's a struggle to live at this point and I don't know how much longer I can do this. I used to want people to see my body because it was beautiful, and I wanted it to be appreciated. But now I see it slowing deteriorating. 

I need to keep going. If I just keep going, it has to end at some point. 

The worst part of it is, is that I have to smile and pretend to be happy. It's all fake because I'm fucking broken inside. 

I have no one that loves me. Family doesn't count. Be with me, be my crutch through life, give me a purpose. 

I'll go through the motions. I'm just so tired of being alone, but yet it's the only way I know how to be. 

It's hurts. The pain is real. What is the fucking point of all of this? I can't take it. I can't keep searching. 

Normal people have families. Normal people have loved ones. That's what makes it all worth it. But me, I have no one and nobody. I feel rejected, orphaned, hopeless, struggling, stupid, lonely. 

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

I think I love him.

Why do I fall so easily for guys. Especially guys like him. Could I give you everything you ever wanted?

Tuesday, 30 October 2012


Why am I in this miserable world. Maybe it's just miserable for me. People tell me I'm beautiful and I don't believe them. "You don't know how beautiful you are" they say. No. You're right, I fucking don't, because I feel ugly, and I feel like you are all laughing at me thinking "wow, she sucks and why is she doing this?".

Why am I doing this? Because I don't have the will or motivation to do anything else. Because I don't care enough. Because I just don't care. Maybe I have a weak spirit. I don't know. I don't care enough to keep anyone valuable to me in my life because I'm emotionally numb and devoid or real emotions. It's like my body can't produce them anymore. I feel so socially retarded.

*The night is my world. Such a bright painted girl. In the day nothing matters, its the night time that flatters.* I live among the creatures of the night, I havent got the will to try and fight.

I don't want to dance for you. Spinning around the pole. I want to hide. You don't exist.