What's the point?

This is one of the few times in my life that I am hopeless for the future. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know what's real. I can't see things as they are and I feel blind. This life is hard for me. It's been hard for a really long time, the only difference was that I always had hope that things would get better, that I would escape and life would pan out. But instead, it's only gotten worse. I don't know why, but I feel worthless. I hate myself. I have people calling me beautiful every night, and I don't believe it. I am so fucked up. So. fucked. up. I wanna die. I disgust myself. I want to escape. Fly far away where no body knows me, and just start over. I can't live like this anymore. I'm so sad. So hurting. But most of all, so alone. I just want to stop feeling so empty inside. I don't want to need pills to function. I don't want to be dependant on weed to get through my days and nights. I feel like I'm punishing myself on purpose. You wanted this so bad, now do it. 

I often wonder why or how I've become so unloveable or if I've always been this way. I fucking suck and I'm at an all time low. I'm empty inside. I'm a piece of meat. I shake my ass on stage for money. Did I think it would be a life of glamour? I don't know. People come to see my body, and you would think that I would understand, since I used to do it myself. When I went to the club, I went to see beautiful women and their bodies. I came to be entertained but I don't know what I was thinking and I feel like I'm on this endless journey that will leave me constantly looking for something that I can never find. 

I'm falling apart. I can't keep it together anymore. I don't want to work, all I want to do is stay in bed all day. It's a struggle to live at this point and I don't know how much longer I can do this. I used to want people to see my body because it was beautiful, and I wanted it to be appreciated. But now I see it slowing deteriorating. 

I need to keep going. If I just keep going, it has to end at some point. 

The worst part of it is, is that I have to smile and pretend to be happy. It's all fake because I'm fucking broken inside. 

I have no one that loves me. Family doesn't count. Be with me, be my crutch through life, give me a purpose. 

I'll go through the motions. I'm just so tired of being alone, but yet it's the only way I know how to be. 

It's hurts. The pain is real. What is the fucking point of all of this? I can't take it. I can't keep searching. 

Normal people have families. Normal people have loved ones. That's what makes it all worth it. But me, I have no one and nobody. I feel rejected, orphaned, hopeless, struggling, stupid, lonely.